How Rule-Breakers Flip the Script — and How Leaders Can Fight Back
Turn on the news. Scroll through social media. Sit in your next team meeting. You'll see it everywhere: rule-breakers becoming victims, and the people who hold them accountable becoming villains.
There's a name for this phenomenon, and once you learn it, you'll never unsee it.
It's called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. And understanding it might be the most critical leadership skill you develop this year.
The Anatomy of DARVO
DARVO is the playbook of people who refuse to accept responsibility. It works like this:
Deny: "That never happened." "I don't remember that." "You're exaggerating."
Attack: "You're the one with the problem." "Why are you always so negative?" "You're a micromanager." "You're being unfair."
Reverse Victim and Offender: Suddenly, the person who broke the rules, crossed the line, or caused the harm is the victim — and you, the person who called it out, are the aggressor.
It's gaslighting with a strategy. It's narcissism with a script. And it's devastatingly effective because it makes you question your own reality.
Where DARVO Lives
In the Workplace
You give an employee constructive feedback. Instead of hearing it, they flip the script: "You're targeting me." "The real problem is the toxic culture here." "Nobody else gets treated this way." Suddenly, you're defending yourself instead of addressing their performance.
The rule-breaker becomes the victim. You become the bully.
In Families
Someone harms you — lies to you, betrays you, mistreats you. When you confront them, they don't apologize. They attack: "You're so sensitive." "You always bring up the past." "If you don't like it, leave."
And somehow, you're the one apologizing.
In Culture
Look around. Criminals are portrayed as victims of the system. Those who demand law and order are labeled fascists, bigots, or worse. The person who broke the rules isn't held accountable — the person who expected the rules to be followed is vilified.
This is DARVO on a societal scale. And it's eroding the very fabric of accountability that holds communities together.
Why DARVO Works
DARVO works because it exploits our desire for peace and weaponizes empathy. Most decent people don't want conflict. When someone turns the tables on us, our instinct is to back down, to question ourselves, to wonder if maybe we are the problem.
But here's the truth: Following the rules is not political. Expecting accountability is not aggression. Seeing clearly is not a character flaw.
The hideous genius of DARVO is that it makes you doubt truth itself. It weaponizes your decency against you.
The Misfit Leader Connection
In my book The Island of Misfit Leaders, I write about leaders who feel broken, out of place, and discarded by systems that couldn't handle their clarity.
Here's what I've learned: Many of those "misfit" leaders aren't broken at all. They got DARVO'd.
They saw dysfunction and named it. They held standards when others wouldn't. They expected accountability in cultures addicted to excuses.
And for that, they were labeled "difficult." "Negative." "Not a team player." "Divisive."
They didn't land on the Island because something was wrong with them. They landed there because they saw clearly, and dysfunctional systems can't tolerate people who see clearly.
If you've ever been made the villain for simply expecting what's right, you've been DARVO'd. And you're not alone.
How to Fight Back
Once you can name DARVO, you can see it. And once you can see it, you can refuse to play the game.
1. Hold onto the facts. Don't let anyone rewrite reality. You know what happened. You know what was said. You know what was done. Write it down if you need to. Truth is your anchor.
2. Refuse to accept a role you didn't earn. You are not the villain for expecting accountability. You are not the aggressor for naming the dysfunction. You are not the problem for seeing clearly. Don't apologize for standing on solid ground.
3. Name it. There's power in language. When someone flips the script on you, say it — to yourself, to a trusted friend, to the person doing it: "This is DARVO. You're denying what happened, attacking me, and trying to make yourself the victim. I won't participate in that."
4. Seek outside perspective. DARVO is crazy-making by design. Find people who can reflect reality back to you: a mentor, a counselor, a trusted colleague. When someone is working hard to make you doubt yourself, you need voices that will tell you the truth.
5. Protect your peace. You can't change people who refuse to be accountable. But you can limit your exposure to them. You can set boundaries. You can go "civil and distant" with people who've shown you who they are.
The Gift of Clarity
Understanding DARVO doesn't make it stop happening. Gaslighters will still gaslight. Narcissists will still deflect. Dysfunctional systems will still punish truth-tellers.
But naming it gives you three things:
Clarity — You're not crazy. You're seeing what's actually there.
Peace — You don't have to accept a role you didn't earn. The confusion lifts when you understand the game.
Directness — You can call it out without getting sucked into the spin. You can hold your ground with confidence.
A Challenge for Leaders
As we step into this new year, I challenge you: Pay attention.
Notice when someone denies reality. Notice when they attack the messenger. Notice when they reverse the roles of victim and offender. And then refuse to participate.
Hold your standards. Name the pattern. Protect your peace.
Because the world doesn't need more leaders who back down when rule-breakers flip the script, the world needs leaders who stand firm on truth — even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's costly, even when the pressure to capitulate is immense.
That's tremendous leadership.
And it starts with three little words: I see you.
DARVO, I see you.
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Tracey C. Jones, PhD, is President of Tremendous Leadership and author of The Island of Misfit Leaders. She helps leaders who've been told they're "too much" discover they're not broken — they're just mis-fitted. Learn more at TremendousLeadership.com.
