The Response That Changed Everything
Last week, I gave one of my leadership students some challenging feedback. Eric is a brilliant coach and former construction executive who knows his stuff. His assignment was excellent—comprehensive, tactical, and well-structured. But something was missing.
I told him, "You've got the fundamentals down. Now push into the complexity. Help people see the paradoxes and tensions in leadership, not just the principles."
Here's what he wrote back:
"As I read the feedback, I had an aha moment... We all talk about tactics all the time till we're blue in the face! Now it's time to talk about the behind the scenes, those unsure moments, the self-doubt, sleepless nights, and what it takes to overcome that and still show up to your position to lead and inspire even when all those things are going on in the background!"
I literally pumped my fist in the air when I read that. Why? Because Eric didn't just receive my feedback. He metabolized it.
And that makes all the difference.
The Biology of Leadership Growth
Here's the distinction that separates leaders who grow from leaders who stagnate:
Metabolize = absorb feedback, break it down, convert it to energy for growth, apply it as fuel for change
Metastasize = let feedback spread as toxicity, ruminate on criticism, let it consume you, become defensive or bitter
One creates life. The other creates death.
Think about your body. When you eat food, your digestive system breaks it down, extracts nutrients, converts it to energy, and eliminates what's not useful. That's metabolism—the process that keeps you alive and growing.
But when cells malfunction and begin to spread unchecked? That's metastasis—the process that destroys healthy tissue and eventually kills the organism.
The same thing happens with feedback.
What Metastasizing Feedback Looks Like
You know you're metastasizing feedback when:
- You ruminate instead of reflect. You replay the criticism over and over, letting it colonize your thoughts and rob you of sleep.
- You defend instead of discern. Your first response is to explain why the feedback is wrong, unfair, or uninformed rather than asking what truth it might contain.
- You personalize instead of parse. You hear "this approach needs work" as "you're incompetent," letting the feedback attack your identity rather than inform your development.
- You withdraw instead of engage. You pull back from the person who gave you feedback, avoid future opportunities for input, and create echo chambers where no one challenges you.
- You weaponize instead of utilize. You turn the feedback into ammunition—either against yourself (shame spirals) or against others (bitterness and resentment).
Metastasizing feedback is toxic. It spreads through your leadership like cancer, destroying relationships, stunting growth, and eventually making you unteachable.
What Metabolizing Feedback Looks Like
Eric's response shows us what metabolizing looks like:
1. He extracted the nutrient. He didn't get defensive about my critique. He identified the core insight: leaders need more than tactics; they need someone to talk about "the elephant in the room—the unsure moments, self-doubt, sleepless nights."
2. He converted it to energy. Within hours, he was already thinking about how to apply this to his coaching practice. The feedback didn't paralyze him; it propelled him forward.
3. He eliminated what wasn't useful. He didn't ruminate on whether my feedback was "fair" or spend energy defending his original work. He took what mattered and moved on.
4. He shared the insight. He immediately began thinking about how this would help OTHER leaders—a sign that the feedback had been fully integrated and was already creating value beyond himself.
That's metabolism. That's growth.
The Challenger Coaching Difference
Here's why this matters for leaders: good feedback should create productive tension, not comfortable agreement.
In The Challenger Sale: Taking Control of the Customer Conversation by Matthew Dixon and Brent Adamson, researchers found that the most effective salespeople weren't the "relationship builders" who made clients feel good. They were the "challengers" who pushed clients to think differently, challenged their assumptions, and created constructive discomfort.
The same is true in leadership development.
Supporter coaching says: "You're doing great! Keep it up!" Challenger coaching says, "You're doing well. Now here's where you can go deeper."
Supporter coaching feels good in the moment but produces minimal growth. Challenger coaching creates tension in the moment but produces transformation.
Eric got challenger feedback. Instead of turning it into defensiveness or self-doubt, he metabolized it into an "aha moment" that will change how he coaches others.
The Challenger's Playbook: How to Metabolize Feedback
If you want to become the kind of leader who metabolizes feedback instead of letting it metastasize, here's your practice:
1. Pause before you respond.
Your first reaction to challenging feedback is almost always defensive. That's biology—your brain perceives critique as a threat and activates fight-or-flight.
Count to ten. Take a breath. Let the amygdala settle before you engage.
2. Ask: "What's the 2% truth?"
Even if you think the feedback is 98% wrong, there's usually a 2% truth worth extracting. Find it. That's the nutrient.
3. Separate the message from the messenger.
Sometimes feedback comes wrapped in poor delivery, bad timing, or questionable motives. Don't let that cause you to reject the insight. Extract the truth and eliminate the rest.
4. Get curious, not defensive.
Instead of explaining why the feedback doesn't apply, ask: "What would it look like if this feedback were true? What would I need to change?"
Curiosity is the enzyme that breaks down feedback into usable insights.
5. Apply it within 48 hours.
Metabolism happens quickly. If you don't convert feedback into action within two days, it will either be forgotten or start to fester. Do something—even something small—to show yourself the feedback has value.
6. Share what you learned.
Teaching solidifies learning. When you metabolize feedback and share the insight with someone else, you complete the cycle. The feedback doesn't just change you; it multiplies through you.
The Test of Teachability
Here's the brutal truth: your response to feedback reveals whether you're still growing or starting to die as a leader.
Proverbs 12:1 says it plainly: "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid." That's not gentle. That's not politically correct. But it's true. Leaders who metabolize feedback stay hungry, stay humble, and stay effective. Leaders who metastasize feedback become brittle, defensive, and eventually irrelevant.
The question isn't whether you'll receive challenging feedback. If you're doing anything worth doing, you will. The question is: What will you do with it?
Your Turn
Think about the last time you received difficult feedback. Did you metabolize it or metastasize it? Did you extract the insight and convert it to growth? Or did you let it spread as toxicity, consuming your thoughts and poisoning your relationships?
If you're honest, you probably know the answer.
Here's the good news: you get to choose differently next time. The next time someone challenges your thinking, pushes you out of your comfort zone, or points out a blind spot, you have a choice:
Metabolize it. Break it down. Extract the nutrient. Convert it to energy. Grow.
Or metastasize it. Let it spread. Defend against it. Let it consume you. Stagnate.
One creates life. The other creates death.
Choose wisely.
Dr. Tracey Jones is a leadership educator, author, and coach who believes the best leaders never stop learning. She teaches the Certified Professional Business Leader program and works with executives, business owners, and aspiring leaders who want to grow in wisdom and impact. She's a Doctor of Leadership, after all—so naturally, she diagnoses leadership issues using medical metaphors.
